If I only were a Ninja
by pirate kit
Summary: Bobby wants to change his identity. He's now a shadow shrouded in mystery. Never Seen, never heard, he is now... NINJA, kinda.


This fic is in dedication to ULTRAMATT17.  He asked me to 'do tell' about Bobby's ninja incident in the "Private Life of Jamie Madrox".  And like I said before, I'm easily bullied by bribes, shiny things, or peoples whose names sound like they could throw me to New Zealand.  See Ultramatt!  Kit do fic!  Kit is good, Kit is goooood!  

**If I only were a Ninja**

**2/6/04**

_____________________________________________

Karate Kid.  Perhaps the best ninja-related movie out there.  First, there is the zen of mastery over ones self.  This is combined with sarcasm provided by witty old people who'll make you do work, all the while giving the needed training.  Then, there is the unity of balance and movement.  The ability to catch flies with chopsticks and perform Tai-Chi on the edge of the pier.  And finally, there is the amazingly cool part of butt kicking… this part should be self-explanatory.

Oh yeah.  Bobby Drake had revolved his life on becoming more like 'Daniel-san'.  He had it all.  He had the unsuspicious looks.  He could balance on the stairs without killing himself.  And … uh… well, Icing up was about the same as kicking butt.  Drake-san, unstoppable butt-kicking machine!

"Bobby!  Get out of the den before you melt all over!"  Rogue shivered, grabbing the remote.  "And Ah'm not watching Karate Kid, again.  Ya've seen it twice this week."  Flipping the channel up, the TV halted on a broadcast of the BBC.  The others in the room; Amara, Sam, and Hank – sighed in relief as Rogue successfully kept the remote from Bobby.

Reverting to his normal form, Bobby folded his arms and frowned at all of them.  "You just can't appreciate the finer side of NINJA!"  He announced.

"I'm more of a pirate fan, myself."  Hank conceded from his chair, pulling his attention away from his book.

"Non-believer!"  Bobby proclaimed.

"I don't understand.  What is so terrifying about men in black bathrobes?"  Amara asked Sam.  

Sam baffled over this for a moment while Bobby seethed.  "Ah think it's som'thin' like bein' afraid of clowns.  No one knows _why_ they are afraid of 'em, they just are."

"Ninjas are stupid!"  Declared Amara.

Bobby balled his fists up and stormed out of the room, intent on proving just how terrifying and mystical ninjas could be.  First, though, he'd need a new costume.  His X-men outfit just didn't scream 'ninja' enough.  He had to be able to hide all sorts of shrunken and gas pellets in his clothes without looking like he was hoarding food for the winter, hence the need for a different costume.

In the dark recesses of Bobby's room, the ninja costume was complete in only ten minutes.  He had found a black sweatshirt that was twice his size that his aunt Penny had given him for Christmas one year, hoping he'd grow into it.  Searching through his wardrobe, Bobby managed to find a pair of black socks and a black ski mask that had wandered into his room.  The only problem had been the black pants.  Bobby didn't HAVE black pants. 

Scott, however, did.  Thus lead to the mental argument for five of the ten minutes on just how much Bobby _needed _black pants.  Answer: he _really didn't need them that badly, and ended up making due with a pair of black boxers, revealing his pale, sock covered legs.  _

"This is great!  I've got to test this out first."  Bobby tugged on his sweatshirt, pulling the sleeves over his hands.  Leaving his room, Bobby actually tried to slink through the shadows.  Please note: all shadows in the well-lit hallway were practically non-existent and Bobby's movements made him look like he was seasick.  That, and his legs were pretty dang pale, standing out like a white cat hair on a black sofa.

Reaching the dinning room, Bobby found who he was searching for.  "Hey Logan!  What do you think?  Am I ninja enough?"  Logan had been trying to enjoy a cup of coffee and the sports page when Drake burst into the dinning room.  Coffee was quickly introduced to the sports page in a mess of ink and caffeine as Logan choked in surprise.  

Bobby held his arms out in an expansive 'taa-daa' gesture, waiting for a comment about his new costume.  Logan was under the impression that ninjas actually wore pants and immediately left the room without a word.  He needed some aspirin.

"Yeah, well… same to you, bub!"  Drake shouted after Logan.  Taking the seat the Wolverine had just vacated, Bobby thought for a moment.  He had the costume, what else did he need?

Roberto entered the kitchen, holding an empty cup.  However, he froze in his tracks when he saw Bobby in a contemplative position.  The mutant looked like a version of 'The Thinker', only (thankfully) with more clothes… but not much more.

"Bobby, you need pants.  And a mental evaluation."  Roberto shook his head, putting the cup on the table and leaving.

"Oh come ON!  Ninja!  I'm a ninja, can't you see!"  Bobby shouted after the Brazillian.

"You're a loony, that's what you are.  There are no such things as mutant ninjas!"  Roberto opened the door to shout his response, then slammed the door.  Then he opened it and slammed it a few more times to accent his point.

Now pouting, Bobby realized that clothes along don't make a ninja.  He needed a real task, to prove his worth.  Looking around the room for inspiration, Bobby tried to think up diabolical uses for forks.  Sadly, he could only put together three evil uses.  The cupboard door was open just a crack, revealing something in a bright yellow box.  Idly, Bobby flipped the door open and was blown away.  (Well, not _literally_.  That would imply Forge had hidden a molecular restructuring device in the kitchen… again.)

An UNOPENED box of Twinkies.  Twinkies.  Unopened.  Those two words never went in the same sentence around here.  This was ground shattering.  This was earth breaking.  This was beginning to sound a lot like Lance's puns, so it is now just being described as 'very very cool'.  Never mind the fact that they were Mr. McCoy's Twinkies and he could possibly start duct taping students to chairs if they went missing… if it was left unguarded for 2.4 seconds, anything was fair game.

Snatching the box up, Bobby examined his outfit for a pouch to put it in.  However, lack of foresight had caused him to overlook the need for a pouch.  No problem though, Bobby was NINJA, he didn't need a handy pouch to hide it in.  Lifting his other hand, Bobby created several ice-shrunken.   Nodding at the craftsmanship, Bobby decided it was time to practice his true ninja skills.

There was a cram session going on in one of the smaller rooms.  Scott and Jean were attempting to complete their physics homework while Ray baffled over his own work.  Occasionally, Ray would ask Scott a question and disrupt the work the seniors were doing.  For some unknown reason (insanity, most likely), Bobby chose this room to test out his ninja skills.  Choosing a roomful of people to throw icy prongs of death at is a bad idea; however, choosing a roomful of people who are either telepathic, in charge of your Danger Room practice, or _very bad tempered seems like a flat-out horrible idea._

Bobby took a moment to psyche himself up to the task.  "I am stealthy, like the ninja.  Never seen.  Never heard."  He whispered.  Perhaps he said it just a tad too loud.

WHAP!

"DRAKE!!  Shut _up_!"  Ray yelled from the room.  The wonderful sound previously heard was the physical manifestation of Ray's shoe interacting against Bobby's skull.  That would explain why Bobby was sprawled on the ground at an awkward angle, rubbing his head with a Nike logo stamped onto his forehead.  Scott slightly raised an eyebrow at the ice-wielding weirdo.  

At this moment, Jamie came from the kitchen, holding a can of soda in one hand, a package of cookies in the other, and a bag of chips clenched between his teeth.  Slightly bewildered at seeing Bobby in black 'jammies' and a ski mask, Jamie sped off into the library with his snacks.

A few more moments later, Kurt emerged from the kitchen with a liter of soda in one hand, a bowl of popcorn in the other, a package of mini-donuts in his mouth, and his tail scrunched around a bag of licorice.  A more than a little confused and also slightly bewildered, Kurt fled down the same path Jamie had taken.  Bobby sat up from his place on the floor and rubbed away the Nike stamp mark on his head.

Another set of moments ticked on, in which another Jamie dashed out of the kitchen carrying a carton of orange juice, several packets of Pop-Rocks, and gummi snacks.  This Jamie came to a complete halt to stare at Bobby.  Then the boy clutched the Pop-Rocks to his chest in fear and ran screaming after Jamie #1.  Yes, Jamie knew the horror that is NINJA… or perhaps was utterly traumatized that Bobby wasn't wearing pants.  Either way, it gave Bobby a slightly boost in his confidence.

Yet more moments passed before Kitty exited the kitchen.  In her left hand she held a package of rice cakes (those dry, bland little suckers), in her right she had a glass of water, and tucked into her pocket was a few Nutra-bars.  She took one look a Bobby, still clutching the box of Twinkies.  Then Kitty glanced down the hall where the two (and a duplicate) snack-wielding mutants had vanished to, growled something about 'stupid men with stupid metabolism', and left as well.  Apparently Kitty was on another diet… or Jamie and Kurt had successfully mastered their dream of cleaning out the entire kitchen of all snacks.

"Hey!  They're starting without us."  Scott noted the line of people carrying food and closed his physics book with a snap.  Jean hastily etched the last diagram into her book before shoving it aside as well.  Ray grumbled as they left, his stack of homework still awfully large.  Since Bobby had no clue what Scott was talking about and no desire to read physics homework, so he simply ignored the going-ons.

Even more moments passed in which Bobby levered himself off the floor and then proceeded to hide Ray's shoe as revenge.  He iced it to the ceiling.  Sure the ice would eventually melt and the shoe would fall, but at that point Bobby planned on being very far away.  Picking up the hostess snacks, Ninja-Bobby prepared to leave in the most mysterious fashion possible.  He turned to exit out the window, never mind the fact that it was only ten degree's outside and still snowy.  However, he rammed face first into a wall as he tried to leave.  A warm, furry, moving wall who was currently wondering why Bobby was trying to sneak away with _his_ Twinkies.

"Eh-heh.  Hi Mr. McCoy."  Bobby scratched the back of his head sheepishly.  Trying to hide the incriminating box of Twinkies behind his back, Bobby began to back slowly down the hall.

Folding his large arms, Hank looked down at the young mutant.  "Where do you think you are heading?  And if I am not mistaken, are those not my snack-cakes that I _deliberately warned everyone not to touch?"  Hank took one step forward.  Bobby took one step back.  "Must I use duct tape to demonstrate everything with you?"  _

Duct tape.  If Hank mentions duct tape, that isn't a good sign.  It was time for a very fast retreat.  "Secret Ninjitsu skill #24!  Gas Pellet!"  Bobby shouted, throwing a blue sphere to the floor.  As a surprise, it didn't explode in a cloud of smoke, but rather oozed a lavender scented gel all over the floor.

"Next time you wish a quick escape, don't use Kitty's bath beads."  Mr. McCoy reached out seized Bobby by the edge of his very large shirt.

"D'oh!"

Dragged to the den, Hank firmly sat Bobby down and waited for an explanation.  And took his Twinkies back.  There was no way he was about to let Bobby escape with his precious snack cakes.  The sweet, sweeeet yellow pastry cake that flaked off in small crumbs with delectable creamy filling that was …. Oh, sorry.

"I just wanted a cooler costume."  Bobby said, his feet dangling from the couch.  "Storm has a really nice X-men outfit, and Scott's is different from everyone else's too.  Why don't I get my own style?"  

Hank pulled a Twinkie out of the box and tossed it at Bobby.  "Ice up."  He commanded.  Shoving the entire Twinkie in his mouth, Bobby was soon an ice sculpture.  A chewing ice sculpture at that, which wasn't a pretty sight (since ice is mostly translucent anyway and Twinkies are a sticky yellow color).  "And there is your answer."  Hank waved a hand in Bobby's direction.

"Huh?"  Looking down, Bobby reached to tug on his shirt.  Or what _should_ have been his shirt.  When he had iced over, everything had turned to ice as well.  His clothes, his watch, and even his Band-Aids were now ice.  The dark and spooky ninja-Bobby was transformed into the see-through and not-as-spooky ice sculpture-Bobby.

"Do you understand now?  It doesn't matter what you wear, you will always be the Iceman."  Hank smiled, valiantly keeping from laughing aloud.

"Even if I wear Jean's outfit?"  Bobby finished off his Twinkie, morphing out of his icy form.

Hank thought about this for a moment.  "No… then you would be  a  cross-dresser."

"Haaaank!"

Beast chuckled, finishing off another Twinkie.  "Perhaps it would be for the best if you just went back to being Iceman, rather than Ninja-Drake.  I'm not sure the rest of the Institute could handle it."  A Twinkie was waved around for emphasis.  "You need a decent pair of pants."

"No one understands us ninjas."  Bobby sighed.

**********************************

Meanwhile, in the Library, strange things were going on.  The lights were out, and candles lit.  The faint notes of local band 'Punk'd Peoplez' played on a small boombox.  Kurt and several Jamies were sitting on the sofa with their mounds of snacks.  Scott took the head of the table, pulling out three thick books and decorated divider.  Setting the divider up, he placed several dice on the table.

Then they began.  "Ok, so the orcs were just about to attack Jamie's gnome ranger and Kurt's elf palidin while everyone else was headings towards the Cave of Dispair, right?"  Scott questioned, looking at a very secret piece of paper.

"Don't forget, I have a +5 bonus against orcs, since they are my favored enemy!"  Jamie said, prying the bag of cookies open.  

Rogue leaned forward to take a pack of the snacks.  "And mah rogue has armed herself with her crossbow.  And Jean's warlock is poisoned.  And Kitty's kobolt thief character is being carried in mah bag."  Jean nodded, pulling the tab on a can of soda.  On the other side of the table, Kitty continued to frown at her rice cakes.

That's right, they were playing D&D.  Hey, the X-men never claimed they _weren't_ X-geeks!

"So then Sam and Amara's ninjas were still leading?"  Scott made a final note.

"Yep!  Can't defeat us ninjas."  Sam smirked.  He and Amara had tied masks over their face, exposing only their eyes in true ninja fashion.

"Wax on, Wax off."  Amara said, looking down at her bag of snacks and trying to figure out how to eat oreos with a face mask on.

"Those dang ninjas!  Ve just can't beat zhem."  Kurt threw his dice.  "Next campaign, I'm going to be a ninja too."

"Me too!"  A Jamie crowed, stealing the bag of snacks from Jean.

Scott looked up from his stats sheet.  "A whole group of ninjas?  What's the point in that?  You'd scatter whenever someone enters the room, stab each other in the back, and eventually, Kitty's kobolt would bleach all your robes white."  At this, Kitty smirked.  After all, kobolts were _mean little suckers._

"Oh yeah, if Bobby enters the room, we all hate ninjas, alright?"  Amara tapped her nails on the table.

"Right!"  Everyone echoed.  Thus ended the great ninja conspiracy.

"PANTS!"  Well… almost.  One of Jamie's multiples was still traumatized that ninjas could be pantless.


End file.
